Confessions of a non-Muslim butt washer

Anyone who knows me decently well knows that sooner or later, my penchant for gross humor will break through the civilized facade and reveal the 12 year old boy trapped within this ostensibly feminine adult  person. Anyone who knows me very well can tell you something even more shocking: I no longer believe in toilet paper.

When I ran across this article yesterday I knew I had to share my own charming story of cultural annexation. What better way to let you truly get to know me than to do a classic Northern Maine overshare, I thought! Like the immaculate and entertaining Wajahat Ali,  I secretly yearn to spread the gospel of butt washing.

For those of you wondering what the hell I’m talking about, prepare to have your mind blown.

Roughly 5 years ago to the date, I arrived in Oman with a soon-to-be tight knit study abroad group of 14 students. After being parceled out among our host families, we first explored our new homes. Most of these homes were really nice (Oman is blessed with a comfortable middle class), but there was one fixture that particularly perplexed us. What was a kitchen sprayer doing hanging next to each toilet?

Setting a tone for the semester, we of course immediately asked our (saintly) academic coordinator, who turned scarlet and indicated it was to be used for “left hand” activities, you know, washing of certain areas… Got it? Always tactful, we gave it various names such as “butt hose,” “butt blaster,” and “ass wand” and brought it up whenever possible. We gossiped about pressure, traded stories of blasting ants on the toilet, and marveled at how easy it was to clean up after yakking in a squat toilet.

I also looked it up in a few guides to Islamic jurisprudence. Yes, Islam has an entire body of scholarship devoted to toilet etiquette. The curious may click here. It’s a mixture of common sense hygiene rules and ritual purity. And just to let you know, it put Muslims way ahead of their objectively filthy Western contemporaries. We could discuss some of the ramifications of ritual purity on gender parity, but I’ll save that for later.

Anyway, for many of us students, this was not just an amusing Arab novelty. It became a way of life. We soon realized we could never again use toilet paper with the same unquestioning acceptance. How could we possibly go back to wiping our poo around after experiencing the delicious freshness of a perpetually clean rump? We talked of installing ass wands in our future dream houses… or maybe even in our college apartments without the landlord’s knowledge. We privately wondered how we could convince future romantic partners to butt blast. I mean, seriously. Think about it.

I have found various ways to feed my butt washing addiction, chief among them living in places outside the US where butt hoses are plentiful. But I’ve also carried wet wipes and water bottles and kept (and explained) my own buckets and dippers. And while I will probably have to continue my helter-skelter butt washing techniques, I would like to propose that Western society universally adopt the butt hose. Here’s why.

  1. It will make us all cleaner and more comfortable.
  2. It eliminates skid marks.
  3. It really should be a prerequisite for certain activities. Just sayin’.
  4. It actually saves resources compared with producing toilet paper.
  5. We already have the technology. It’s can be had for under $20. It just needs to be moved from the kitchen sink to the toilet.

Seriously, just try it once and you’ll never go back!

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20 thoughts on “Confessions of a non-Muslim butt washer

  1. I literally LOLed when i read the various names you came up with for the ‘ass wand’ 😛

    by the way, its great to read that you analyzed the situation you were in objectively and took the right decision. Yes, we muslims wash to clean up after ourselves 🙂

    for us “Cleanliness is half the faith” (Hadith quoted from Sahih Muslim) Also see here (http://www.alquranclasses.com/cleanliness-faith-emaan/)

  2. Ya know, if you visited South Asia you’d have a very understanding audience for this article. And it’s not even religious for us. It’s been the norm for forever. Because duh. Not a one of us can comprehend the use of paper to wipe butts when (if a butt shower is too expensive for the household) a mug and water can clean you up so much better. Who wants stinky, half-cleaned butts? The poorest houses have a low tap and a ‘special mug’ right by the toilet. And the average middle class household has brought about the use of, what we call, butt jets. Something attached to the posterior rim, positioned to hit the butt crack at exactly the right place with a nob that regulates force. It’s a small piece of paradise.

    1. I actually have visited Dhaka, so I gotcha. Personally I prefer the kitchen sprayer style over the bidet, since it doubles as a nifty bathroom cleaning tool! Thanks for reading 🙂

      1. You use it as a bathroom cleaning tool because of the nice strong spray to remove scrubbed soap area and other cleaning stuffs. Well, the spray pushes the feces matter coming off your bum into the air and where ever it wants to go when you use it on yourself, similar to a powerful hose used to clean a sidewalk only to push or get dirt to go airborne onto your freshly washed car. The feces that you are spraying off your bum goes airborne and everywhere as well. You don’t see it, but it travels. I prefer the OBB Bidet Bottles. A much gentler release of water to help you facilitate the cleaning with your hand. LEFT hand in particular. You don’t stand under a shower and not use your hands to get the job done, ditto when you wash your bum. It’s a hands on task. Check out these OBB Bidet Bottles.

      2. You’re right, the urge to power wash should probably be avoided. I always supplement with soap when available, and of course the (left) hand is an essential tool! Back in my study abroad days, we called it the “poop hand”.
        Clever product placement 😉

  3. Oy, I just remembered that the water jet thingy is also a bidet. Only we don’t have a separate toilet bowl for it.

    okay, going away now!

      1. Oh my, can’t believe you wrote this, “back in my posterior-washing jahiliyya days”. Good to see the funny side of it

  4. You know they have them for western toilets here in America, right? There is one site that sells them pre-made ready to add onto your current toilet…if you want, I can email you a link.

    1. Hi Abdulhameed – I considered extolling the benefits of squat toilets also, but figured it would be easier for people digest one earth-shattering toilet revelation at a time 🙂 I fear the squat may be a more difficult sell for Westerners, given the leg muscles that must be developed before old age sets in (in lieu of your clever device here!) Thanks for reading!

  5. Finally, someone else with the same appreciation for the squirter! I can’t quite get my kids into it – have to improvise with jugs and wetting loo roll – but they really make you think about who or what evil corporate entity dreamed up toilet paper – someone with a large stake in the Amazon rainforest perhaps? You can even reuse bathwater (it’s only soapy, after all) and for serious green cred you can do it out of doors or into a soakaway. Honestly, there are people with even more particular ways of washing their rear ends than you =) haha!

  6. I’m really surprised that no one’s ever made the connection between the prevalence of hemorrhoids in the West and their penchant for never washing their butt. The two are linked! You rarely see cases of hemorrhoids with people who butt-wash on a daily basis. Think about it.

  7. Actually the best combo is the water jet + toilet paper. Bits of toilet papers with liquid soap are to make sure no stains in between the buttcracks. And water to clean it off. Use toilet papers again to dry the butt (ok, or maybe a small towel to save the trees). I hate wet butts. :p

    1. yeap i kinda agree! an absorbent first, then water and soap, then a towel to dry it all off. bonus: talcum powder hahaha 😛

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